| i wrote this on my myspace, but for those of you who aren't a part of that cult...here are my thoughts.
This comes a tough lesson, and unfortunately it seems, you only learn this by living, television doesnt teach it, schools dont teach it, and if youre above a certain age, our parents didnt teach it. You have to learn it by living, by thinking of someone as a friend, only to find out they dont think of you as a friend. It can be devastating, I know, Ive been there myself. But all the wishing, and all the determination, just serves to push the would-be friend further away. Because friendship is something you choose to do, you dont do it out of a sense of obligation. To force someone to be a friend is to not have a friend.
I learned a lot about friends lately. I learned that a friend is someone I trust to be with me when I am at my weakest and most vulnerable. And they are people who, no matter how painful it is to see, are willing to be with me when I am so helpless and weak. If I would trust my life with you, and vice versa, we are friends. Its not about whether you are trustworthy, or whether you are friendly, its the actual act of trust that is the basis of friendship. If I trust you to be truthful, then youre a friend. If I find I must be careful how I say things, then its something other than friendship.
Friendship is not a state of mind, its an act. Its something you do, its not about whether youre good or not, its not a reflection of you, its a balanced relationship between people. That doesnt mean its always balanced at every moment. Sometimes you need a friend and other times its the other way. Its a trust thats returned. When I was younger and thought I was in love, a friend said its not love unless its returned. Friendship and love are not quite the same thing, although theres a lot of love around friendship. I learned that love isnt even something about two people, its a state of being for one person. You arent in love, you are love. You are, whether you acknowledge it or not. The heart thats pumping blood through your body is an act of love, 24 hours a day, whether youre Mother Teresa or Adolf Hitler. (Sorry for the extreme example.)
Theres a world of difference between being a friend and being a fan. Ive heard people who Ive never met say were friends. And then of course when I do something they dont like, Ive betrayed the supposed friendship. Theyre living in a dreamworld. Its very puzzling to be the object in the middle of this swirl of emotions, I say object because my job isnt to be truthful, my job is to be who you think I should be. Of course thats not friendship, thats torture.
When a friend changes you can find the bond thats connecting you at a deeper level. The surface stuff isnt a good thing to depend on. Physical bodies change as they grow. So do emotional bodies and intellectual ones. Take a deep breath. People move, life is more like a wild dance than a ceremony. You just cant tell whats coming next. So if you find yourself trying to coerce someone into not changing, then that is not friendship, that is coercion. |
